by Steve Book

There it was, staring at me from the pile of afternoon mail: a brochure from the Background Radiation Enhancement Company. 

"I upped my background exposure," a testimonial proclaimed as I opened it. "Now, up yours." 

I was hooked. But why, I asked, would anyone want to increase his background radiation? 

I read on and found out. 

"Time and time again," it explained, "radiation biologists have found that their experimental animals which received low levels of radiation exposure have survived longer than their unirradiated control animals. This so-called 'radiation hormesis' is a real effect, a scientific fact.

"You, too, can live longer, thanks to our new offer." 

I had purchased a home appendectomy kit a few years back that I really enjoyed. It kept me in stitches for months. I wasn't too sure about putting a cobalt-60 source in my back yard, though, what with the hot tub and all. 

"But don't worry," the brochure explained. "This is not the unhealthful man-made, unnatural radiation. The Background Radiation Enhancement Company uses only natural radiation sources for your exposures, many of them in the privacy of your own room at the Hormesis Health Spa and Resort Hotel." 

It went on to explain that where I was living, I was probably receiving about 200 millirems annually. (This is equivalent to two millisieverts, but millisieverts do not seem to be part of the California experience.) Each year I would receive in the region of 30 millirems from cosmic rays, another 140 millirems from terrestrial radioactive sources (much of this to my lungs from radon daughters), and about 30 millirems from radioactivity that was deposited in my body. At this rate, the brochure claimed, I could expect to live only about 70 years. 

The trick for longevity was to increase the exposure slightly from each of these sources. How? First, the exposure from cosmic rays could be increased easilty by moving to a higher altitude, where the thinner atmosphere would provide less protection from those radiations. Secondly, I could increase the terrestrial exposures by moving nearer to a uranium or phosphate mine. There, I could inhale more of the radon progeny. 

Finally, I found that potassium-40 is responsible for much of the natural internal radiation exposure. Bananas are a great source of potassium, but damn that homeostasis, it's rough to get a bunch inside. 

But I should not despair, the brochure told me. 

"If moving to a new location is out the question," it read, "enhance that natural radioactivity at the Hotel Hormesis. Built entirely from imported uranium mill tailing at our lovely 11,000-ft elevation in Northern California, the Hotel Hormesis will send you home invigorated for the rest of your longer life." 

"Already taken advantage of our offer?" it concluded. "Then sign up a friend or relative and give a dose to the one you love most." 

"What nonsense," I said, putting the strange material aside. 

I could afford to be smug. I'd recently insulated my house and sealed up all the cracks; the higher concentration of radon daughters I was inhaling was already doing its beneficial work. 

Not only that, but I just got new glasses, so the thorium in them will irradiate my eyes--just a little, of course, but maybe enough to help out. I also have some false teeth that were made to glisten like my originals simply by the addition of some uranium, so my mouth is getting some exposure, too. 

My lungs, eyes and gums are all in good shape for a long life. The rest of me I take care of by flying as much as possible. That way, I accumulate a few more millirems each time I make a transcontinental trip. 

I also bought an old colour television set, the kind that used to leak a little radiation and the kind, according to the brochure, that the Hotel Hormesis proudly provides in each room. 

I've been watching TV for a while, and I've come to this conclusion: It's too bad the new sets don't leak. Without the radiation, nothing of any significance now comes out. 

This article first appeared in New Scientist in 1984 (January 26, volume 101, number 1394, page 34)

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